Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
[Albert Einstein]
I realized that every attempt to recover is same scenario. I change my eating habits and increased my daily intake, but soon I feel stronger and I add disproportionate amount of exercising (or simply calories burning). It lasts usually couplle of months since I can´t physically and psychically manage the combination of exercising schedule and the rest of my "life". Than I slip to the old habits and restrict again and after x months I decide to change it again. The result is I am overwhelmed and tired and I don´t know if confide in my ability to recover fully.
Now the situation is kind of subacute, because in summer I am leaving my sterile and safe parents (glass)house and my faculty, to study in university where I will be supposed to do much more scientific, clinical and generally curricular activities than now. It means fewer hours spend with exercising. Furthermore I will live in the campus or with my friend who is amazing, social and open person who knows about my eating problems and I am sure she will try to help me (she studies psychology).
Much more competitive university + fewer time for exercising + insecurity + being alone = ideal climate for relapse and big motivation to recovery at the same time.
I am confused, relieved and pretty scared. I need to change especially my obsessive attitude to running. Don´t allow it to be alpha and omega of my life. To be able to see myself in kilometrage- and speed-independent context.
I don´ know how to start this time, but I know how to not start. I am not allowed to increase my workout. I am not allowed to feel guilty when seeing the halfmarathon runners (today it was in my city) and not being among them. I am not just my body!
I am also off to university soon - I leave in September. It will be the first time (apart from when I have been in inpatient care) that I will have lived away from home.
ReplyDeleteChange....I know it will be good and I am terribly excited. I think it will make me, and complete me. However, I can completely relate to your YOYO methods of recovery.
I think of it as in you have two snowballs in your head.
The right = you
The left = anorexia/negative thoughts
The more positive things you do, the more the right snowball begins to roll and get better. However, it only needs a slight knock and then your back to square one...picking up unhealthy habits and back to your old ways. The left snowball is the hardest to get back on track.
But trust me, by doing this, we will both be stronger people. I am sure that you by now can already see how far you have come.
Hi Alice, thank you so much for your comments. I like the snowball metaphor! And you´re right- every change makes us completer. Despite all this fear I think every change in positive direction (and especially when it´s far from easy) makes a small piece of the left snowball melt away.
ReplyDeleteThe transfer to university is big opportunity to change some disordered point of view. There are so many new impulses and aspects that not being changed is almost impossible. I am far from being recovered, but I think university and people I´ve met there in some ways saved my life. You will love it:) I keep my fingers crossed for you and hope we will "meet" under some post soon.