Mathias

Thank you so much for the supporting emails and comments- I know that blaming myself won't help neither my brother nor anyone else, and I will try hard, but...it is hard.

I've spent lot of time worrying that my sisters and friends may have an eating disorder. In high school I was almost tortured with paranoid thoughts about people around me getting ill and me being their trigger. One of my sisters had some eating issues, but it was just a short episode when she was under big pressure in her rowing team. I worked in therapy on letting go and not feeling responsible for the whole world around me.

My brother is in boarding school, so that I've seen him last time during Christmas. He was tall and skinny, but he is a boy, growing spurt and lot f sports, you know. I was concentrated on my eating, of makeing everyone happy because I was better than last Christmas, on schoolwork... We walked dog, we were crosscountryskiing one day, we played scrabble (he beats me every time of course) and I watchted his long thin fingers and thought- wow, hopefully Mathias don't have Marfan syndrome, I helped him with some paper about abortions. That was it.

Last week my mother received a call from the school. Mathias collapsed in his physical educaton class and his teacher gave him some juice and told him to go and buy some breakfast and study in library until next class. He passed out in library (I don't think he had breakfast) and some older student who was working in the library called the nurse. I don't know what was going on then, but apparentely, Mathias's counselor called my mother and told her, that her son lost a lot of weight since October when he was 16 and has had his regular check up. Also his friends were concerned, because he was not interested in anything he used to love and three weeks ago, he just suddenly quitted his debate club which he loved above all. The counselor said that Mathias denied any health problems and said he is just tired. He adviced my mother to bring him home for at least a week; he is anyway not healthy enough to go for a skiing trip, so he won't miss school.

So this is the story. On the weekend mum will bring my little brother home. I don't know what I should be prepared for and how to prepare myself for it. I don't know what will happen and if my mum has enough power to go through it. I remember myself in denial and how it was horrible for my family and friends. I even don't dare to open my diaries from that time, because I know I would feel so ashamed and guilty for my thoughts and behaviour. I think Mat is somehow more adult than I was, he has never really met his father and he loves mum so much and since he was four or so he always want to protect her, so I hope he won't be as horrible as I was.