what? last lecture?

Signs of summer are all around- tiny ants in our kitchen and (myrmecologists don't read now) mum fighting them with multiple funny approaches, storms with warm rain, father's study groups in our garden (I really can't get how comes that father's students - the students I've looked up since I was 12 or so - are now my age or even younger. It makes me feel old.) and library full of students studying for finals.


Yesterday I've finally visited my brother. I remember how hard all the visits were for me in first weeks in IP. There were too many visitors, too many emotions, too many perfectly normal questions in absolutely abnormal situation. I remember how I was looking forward to the visiting days and then I was absolutely drained after 15 minutes and wished to be alone. It got better during my stay, but I think in the first weeks things may be same hyperintense for M. as they were for me. Anyway M. seemed to be quite happy to see me and from my perspective the visit was ok. We mainly spoke about his therapist and about school work I've brought him. I think that for being 16 and half, he is little bit too serious about school. I adressed how much he is studying (although I think- I know- he would excell even if he did half of third of what he's doing) and he just looked down and said: It's not about studying. I am glad I have an everyday routine, in fact. My oh my how I can relate. Routine is so ambivalent.
The first week was probably mainly "diagnostic" and the therapist is male and just 2 or 3 years out of medschool; M. and mum seem to like him, so I have a good feeling (although all I know about him is that he has long hair and he is into tai-chi). More to come.

The end of school is also quite emotional.Today I've had my last regular lecture, now there are four more weeks full of tests and 1.6. the big feared Hammerexamen. To be honest, uni was one of those things that saved me/are saving me. It was one of the biggest and constant motivators, especially in the first four years before Berlin. It made me wake up and brush my hair and eat breakfast and exist. I've met best people, "my people" in med school and I hope I will stay in touch with them. On the other side, I am realizing so much how many professional and social opportunities I've turned down and how much things I haven't have learned during these six years because of my ED, how much better I could have done and how much time and energy I wasted during hours of useless exercise or during contemplating about what to eat or not to eat... it was basically six years of compromises between real life and ED.
I so don't want M. to go through something like that. I am average. I always was. But M. is special. Witty and intelligent and there is another and much more important path for him than tiring and destructive path of battling anorexia.
And I don't want me to choose my future in accordance with ED behaviors or fears. And I am kind of doing it:( But first finals, then decisions.



The video is lecture in biochemistry in my second year of medicine and the teacher is a LEGEND. He made me and many others spend lot of time in agonizing but amazing battle with Stewart-Fencel approach!:)
It's a shame that the chaotic situation in our health care system has influence on universities and wonderful people like Duška are forced to work in England in normal and standard conditions:/

Oh and bones and PCR and us being so young. And it's gone now- some of the people are already practicing medicine, some of them quitted the school and some of them are pregnant, everyone going their own path.



Ok. I need to stop the sentimental twaddle. Have a nice sunny weekend, mine will be dedicated to sick bone marrow, lymph nodes and joints in my books.