how(l)

Sometimes my hope to desperation ratio is really getting near null. Weekend was more or less ok-ish, but since yesterday I am feeling like nothing is on its place and I have no idea how to be normal human, how to want something else than calm down the obsessive thoughts in my head, how not to be so lonely among loving family and friends. How to live purposefully.

Mum is in San Diego on conference and because M. has been gaining weight for 2 weeks in the row according to his plan, he was allowed to have another weekend with us. We decided to go to weekend house with my Dad, sister and M. The weather forecast was really bad and we all planned to do some paper/school/writing work, watch a movie or play scrabble, but in the end, it was bit cold, but not raining and we got one nice short hike with M. and I was able to run a bit, we worked a lot in the garden and repaired a fence and we picked wild strawberries in the hills like crazy. I think Czech has mastered their berries picking talent during the times of war and then during communismus when there was relative lack of fresh fruits. Strawberries reminds me of childhood and of the fact that easy things like sun, sugar and bright colours can make someone really happy. I would prescribe everyone 2 handfuls of wild strawberries with their morning antidepressants. Actually I would prescribe it for everyone in the world. I've prepared huge pan of granola with almonds and these strawberries in the morning and it was nice.

 Greenest green.

¨

Rest of the strawberries.



I wish I could really enjoy it, feel the joy of being with my family and eating nice food and my body being able to climb a forest path and have a nice landscape view. I  like the World, I am trying to like it, its complexity amazes me, but I feel tension and weird thinking patterns in my head and anxiety all the time and one of the big big fears is that this will never change. Another one is that the next X years of my brother's life will be similar to my life. It is nightmarish prospect. Why did it happen/is happening now?

killing twin

When I was a kid I was obsessed with twins. It started with an article I've read about left-handed people- it said they are mirror-images of their unborn righthanded twins who didn't survive early pregnancy. I have no idea where this myth about left handed people came from, but as a little girl I was scared of the idea I may have "killed" my twin. It was just one of my irrational fears, but sometimes I wonder how life would have been with "my" twin.

My last couple of days were rather bad, not just because studying and studying, but because the ED thoughts are so irritating and the ubiquitous pattern: you are not thin, you are far above it so you don't have right for ED thoughts, you are eating so much so why are you constantly thinking about food and such an uninteresting stuff, you will be never free of it...you will never find anything more important than ED, you will allways stay cojoined to it... is killing me.

And so on. I didn't want ot bother you with this, I just wanted to post a song about cojoined twins, which really touched me, because there are some parallels with eating disorders and this ambivalency (who am I?), this (whose?) thoughts. Or it is me seeing it everywhere, I don't know. At least it's very nice music (many thanks to Regula and Fredy!).




(...)
we grew up, so very close

a parasite little host

I'm only trying to do what is best for us!

well, I never asked for this! I never wanted this!

all that I want is some time to myself!

looking in your eyes, I'm coming home

just get away from me!

please just stop touching me!

you're always trying to be somebody else!

now I realize I'm not alone

well, you're only scared of me!

but you never cared for me!

why don't you let me breathe?

cause you never dare to be!

cause you never listen, and you're always insisting on just reminiscing I feel something missing!

I just want my privacy... why can't you leave me alone?

I just want you hear with me... god, can't you just get a loan?

(...)

Male,16 and ill

This is not happening.
My halfbrother probably has anorexia. He is sixteen. He is so cold, he is just his big grey eyes and big bony hands.
It is hard to even write this sentence. My heart feels funny, but this is not about me. Please let it not be about me and the bad influence of my illness on him. He doesn't live with us, but... This is about some malicious gene, isn't it? However I feel huge and guilty and scared.
Why?
I need to make him better.