how long

How long has it been since my last post? 3 months, 3 days, 3 lives? Or this one forever repeating life of someone, who can adapt at new city or new language quiteok-ish, but who hasn't learned to adapt at herself.
Right now I feel so incredibly stupid and out and not-belonging to my research group. Another level of my stupidity is that I can't make myself to communicate properly with my labmates (who are all nice and mild and kind educated people and I actually like them, but I feel some kind of barrier, wall of social and intellectual inadequacy between them and myself. It is a vicious cycle, because the less I trust myself to speak to them the more isolated and stupid I feel and then it is harder to speak and not hide.) Yesterday there was a meeting where I was literally one lacrimal-canaliculi-milimeter from crying.
I guess it is not hard to guess where I am trying to find a source of alternative adequacy. After almost 12 years of anorexia/various stages of recovery I feel like food, exercise and body field is only field where I can project my feelings, anxieties and frustrations. And the fact I KNOW that spending late evening hours exercising won't make my socializing and communication skills better and won't make my academic performance better and won't make the overall quality of my life better (experience, someone?) surprisingly doesn't stop me. I am so fed up of this pattern. I don't know who I'd be without this pattern. I don't know if I'd be able to survive without it. I don't know how long I can live like this. (And how long my professor will tolerate my lack of communication skills in our group. He is this american supercommunicator and I have a feeling he is not very fond of my semi-autistic features:/).
I kind of nostalgically remember the time when I didn't know. When I was so sick that I completely lacked some insight and actually believed that if the number on the scale is (the day before - x) and the amount of exercise is (the day before + x) I am safe and all will be well. But now I KNOW now that this is not a solution and this knowledge hurts. I am so confused. What kind of life I really want? How honest I really am with myself. I am eating and I know I need this f*ing 56 kilos to function but I am so tired of constantly reminding myself of it and constantly eating in same rigid pattern (there are so much social things including some dinners in the late November/December and I am beginning to feel really overwhelmed with it. It is not I can't go there and eat the stupid meal, it is I can't go there, JUST eat and speak and concentrate on the real reason of the meal- meeting people, enjoying conversation, learn something new, share, reach out, remember).
Ok end of rant. There are positive things going on like the city itself and my first own appartment and some parts of my work I really enjoy (usually when I don't need to speak:/) and the landscape around my city and being little bit more independent than at home and that at home everything goes quite well and mum and M. are really brave (sometimes not at the same times, but still it works) and hopefully I will write another/more optimistic post with some pitctures soon. Now I just needed to get this out.
If someone is still reading, I hope you people have a nice colorful fall (the colors are slowly fading away here, but it was SO beautiful that I wanted to become a tree very often) with lot of adventures and steps forward.

hellweek

In the winter I sometimes thought things that my life was getting better and even might be ok one day. How could couple of months or weeks make such a horrible difference? I was trying to be social and to study hard and be the normal at-least-in-pubic-cheerful curious me, but it gets extremely hard. And harder. And lonely. This past week was h.e.l.l. All the time I was feeling like two seconds before bursting into tears. You know this feeling before crying - you feel the tears in your throat and in your head and behind your cheeks and you don't want let them out, because people are watching or you are watching, but it is unavoidable, they are coming higher and higher and you are pressing your lips and bliknking and speaking with funny voice and it burns more and more until you feel that you've lost the battle and you are relieved and ashame at the same time? I've felt like this all te time in last days. There are suddenly so many tears and bad thoughts and anxiety in my chest and it feels like nothing will be ok. Never ever. I am so lazy and failure hate myselffor it and if there wasn't school, I probably wouldn't do nothing. Where is my usual hyperactivity? (I know hyperactivity is not the wished state, but it is probably better than this). I was horrible horrible horrile at my parents. Mum is very tired and upset and hates the fact two of her kids are kind of insane. And when I speak to dad, he always reminds me how lame I am in medicine and how I should do this and this and not what I want. (Wait- what do I want? just sleep and the end of the world in 2012?). Yesterday I mentioned how bored I was in cardiology (the rotaton itself is not uninteresting, but it is too specialized and I can't do almost anything by myself) and how I hate that I have to go to the hospital which is on the other side of town (1,5 hour x 2 each day) and he told me that I am spoiled brat and that it is best cardiology department and blahblah. I don't want the professor at home, I want normal father (does something like norma father exist?). Well after that I was acting like spoiled brat and yelling things I didn't want to tell (or I did, but didn't want to tell them aloud). I know. My parents deserve better. They are both clever and well-balanced and high standard. They didn't do anything bad. They ale +/- supportive. They care. Well now I've probably proved I AM spoiled and unthankful and scratch-cat like my parents've explained me lately. I just needed to vent. Hopefully weekend will bring good or at least better things to all!