Miserable identity-card self

I am burried under loads and loads of paperwork, official applications for validating my diploma for another country and everything takes so long and these official translations with certification stamp from lawyer are SO expensive (--> no new books and coffee in next 3 weeks for me:/) and I didn't received some details about my thesis that I hoped I will have this week and and and... welcome panic attack. (It wasn't anything horrible, compared to what I used to experience it was like kindergarten panic, but I haven't been in the middle of proper panic attack for a long time and I haven't missed it.)

Mathias is doing somewhere between 5 and 11,5 (on Mum's scale 1 to 10). His (ex)roommate and all-time role model from school has visited in the weekend, because he is leaving for university in couple of days and for M. it was one of the best weekends food- and moodwise I think. School is M.'s motivation number one and although he won't be allowed to get back to boarding school in 3 weeks, he is working hard (as hard as Mum) to be able to go to local school and despite all anxieties and insecurities I believe every school will love to have him.

Grain of autumn is in the morning air. I got soaked at least three times last week (I am chronic no-umbrela person). I also saw the most massive and brightest rainbow ever. It was so strong and beautiful that it was almost scary.

I visited my Greatladies (Grandma and Great-aunt) for 3 days last week in our weekend house and it was good. I am glad Grandma took some holiday this year, because she is working like crazy despite she has problems with her spine and is constantly in pain. Greatladies are over eighty and every year less and less tolerant, constantly fighting over details (for example with what kind of rag I should clean windows - 15 minutes debate), they always know better (doctors, you know:) and they are cooking things I would never cook and eat at home, but they are awesome. You could see through their little fights how they love each other. And explaining my Grandma MicroRNA is the best:) I wish I was like them in my eighties!

Tiptoe has recently some good posts about getting rid of things that symbolize eating disorders in some ways and about loss of identity of eating disordered self.  I was thinking about it when I was discarding my old student card and identity card for hospital. These cards were made 6 years ago when I was not as physically sick and lost as when I was 15, but when I saw the face on the picture (I've seen it 6 years non-stop, but you kind of put your card on the white coat and don't care) it scared me. Deadened eyes and 1/3 of hair I used to have and unsuccessful attempt to smile a bit. I was freezing cold just from looking at that face. And at the same time I was/am jealous. Not that I like myself on the photo. I am sorry for my 20 years old ugly and miserable self in 2 pullovers. But I can feel the anesthesia, the I-have-no-power-to-care-or-freak effect of starvation, the relative simplicity of my ED rules at that time compared to all scary changes and responsibilities that are coming now. I am telling myself I don't want to be that girl every.single.day meal/exercise urge. I want to be like my Grandma, full of life and enthusiasm and ideas even at 84. I want my grandchildren to explain me something that will be new and exciting in medicine in 2069. But at the same time I wish I could escape of this life, escape of what everyone expect me to do and achieve and to look at the world with this disinterested, indifferent way whispering: I am not participating on this game anymore. I am not here. I live by another rules. 
I am not going there. The pictures on my new cards are healthy looking. But why does staying on the right path still cost me so much mental power and space? Why is this idea of feeling nothing and being emotionally flat so tempting?

My room in pictures

Hi there! Apparently I have too much time on my hands/ in my amygdalas = too much space for anxiety about future and bit of ED thoughts. But I am trying my hardest to do some useful and less useful things in order to stay away from danger zone. It was raining all day and I hate being all day at home I need to apply for a job. I am not sure about PhD opportunity I was given. Anxiety rising. So between writing some application letters (and 2 anxiolytic ice-cold showers), I decided I will make some pictures and "show" you my room. I like reading this kind of bit intimate posts about someones's rooms or wardrobes or bags, because I think it tells a lot about the person and his/her story and mentality. Or maybe it doesn't. (I hope I am generally not too judgemental, but yep, I am sometimes judging labmates/doctors by what they have or doesn't have on their desk and how entropic it looks.) And sorry for the quality of photos, I love taking pictures, but I am not very good at it... It is also bit sentimental for me, because so much has happened here and I will probably leave it soon and because M. won't probably be able to go back to boarding school in the fall and he will do his IB in Prague, he'll live in "my" room. So here we are:

 My wardrobe. "She"'s been through several sizes...

 2 glass beads necklaces from my grandaunt I don't wear, but like them and familiar window view.

My non-existent lamp. I got the wings from my classmates couple of years ago. And James Dean, Rebel Without a Cause. Some days I wish I could hide in some big sweatshirt like he's been doing since my teens.

 

Even though I am not reaching 1/10 of my dad's book-hoarding talent, I am getting closer every year...

 More (school) books (ant these are just the ones I want to keep... and my bed.

 Desk. One of my favourite places (well not in exam times, but still- I love it).

I am not much into jewellery, but I am quite a fan of earrings:)

That was it. Do you have some indicator like desks or shoes or nails or bags or anything else to "standardize" people? And don't worry- I often change my mind later, don't care about the messy desk and like the people with everything they are.