42.195 kilometres is not just a number

Yesterday it was Prague International Marathon. Faithful trigger. However this year I was soemhow peaceful with muscular arms and legs everywhere (even in the church!). Running used to be part of my healthy identity. I was the-orienteering-girl-with-long-legs-and-map. And than, suddenly (or not so suddenly) it became a problem, a crucial part of losing my identity. But I don´t want to write about it right now. Not yet.

I remember the first day in physiology lab room. I was 19, naive and full of semi-functional hypothesis and thought I will simply validate. I didn´t know much about Karl Popper and methodology. Actually I didn´t know nothing about it. On this day we were counting red blood cells and evaluate effect of several agents on hematopoesis. The results weren´t so explicit as we were expecting and everyone was slightly disappointed (well mybe it was only me?). Doctor Viking (he looks realy viking-ish and before I started to work with him I was so scared of him) told us, that when we wanted to be good scientists, we would have to learn giving up our premises and live the moment fully, be alert and not to cling rigidly on our experiences. I recalled what he said frequently.
Now, Remedy wants me to do similar thing. She thinks I said too analytically, I made too much (useless, autoacusative and comparative) associations and I don´t use my senses for living in presence. She is probably right. This hypertrophic associating and my love por numbers, proportions and p-values may be sometimes useful for my work, but not for my recovery. I am trying to do Remedy´s mind exercises and I really increasingly perceive some things I didn´t percieve before.

on being an compulsiver overexerciser

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
[Albert Einstein]

I realized that every attempt to recover is same scenario. I change my eating habits and increased my daily intake, but soon I feel stronger and I add disproportionate amount of exercising (or simply calories burning). It lasts usually couplle of months since I can´t physically and psychically manage the combination of exercising schedule and the rest of my "life". Than I slip to the old habits and restrict again and after x months I decide to change it again. The result is I am overwhelmed and tired and I don´t know if confide in my ability to recover fully.

Now the situation is kind of subacute, because in summer I am leaving my sterile and safe parents (glass)house and my faculty, to study in university where I will be supposed to do much more scientific, clinical and generally curricular activities than now. It means fewer hours spend with exercising. Furthermore I will live in the campus or with my friend who is amazing, social and open person who knows about my eating problems and I am sure she will try to help me (she studies psychology).

Much more competitive university + fewer time for exercising + insecurity + being alone = ideal climate for relapse and big motivation to recovery at the same time.

I am confused, relieved and pretty scared. I need to change especially my obsessive attitude to running. Don´t allow it to be alpha and omega of my life. To be able to see myself in kilometrage- and speed-independent context.

I don´ know how to start this time, but I know how to not start. I am not allowed to increase my workout. I am not allowed to feel guilty when seeing the halfmarathon runners (today it was in my city) and not being among them. I am not just my body!