Bad karma

(ED) things haven't been very good lately.

Bad weekend for Europe. 

I am pathetic.

On Friday was my graduation and my friend has come thousands of miles just to hug me. I was SO SO so surprised and touched, but somehow sad. 

Everyone believes in me and I am disappointing people around me again and again.
I've written long post about relapse, but I don't want to spread bad karma even more, so it will stay in concepts.

I am not able to cry when my brother stares on his plate and doesn't eat more than half of what he should and Mum just sits in front of him and talks silently about all medical consequences his behavior has or will have, using me as an example. It is breaking me in pieces, but I just watch. I cry while listening to 10 years old singing about how they used to rule the world. A friend has send me this videos to cheer me up and I just cry and cry. 

randomest points

Autumn in the air. Too fast, this year it has skipped the crispy clear phase and it rains and rains.
My life is living itself without me. I don't know if it is good or bad or something else.
I passed the megagigasuperterahyperexam and I am not feeling elated or so. It has just happened, with me like a random acter.
I am officialy back in "therapy". Not like IOP or so, but I think I need some directions and feedback right now.
And: my mental health would be probably bit stabler if I didn't fall in love with someone who is (again) almost 20 years older than me and is (by the way; again) my professor.

the space between two prisoners

Because the keys to the Kingdom got lost inside the Kingdom
(Josh Ritter)

Summer is high, Prague is so pretty and I feel flabby, big and low.
I don´t want to be underweight, but it seems I can be only:
a) "normal normal" and feeling like prisoner of my body
b) "lowest normal" and feeling like prisoner of food, exercise and OCD
b -> c) sooner or later underweight

I know. There has to be h) hope, health, human balance. This place exists, I just can´t see it right now :(