darkness

It's gettíing darker, outside and in my head as well.
School's started and I feel like floating, all I wish is to stay in bed under 4 blankets and sleep. But in last days or weeks I regulary wake up at 3:30 or so and feel nothing. No tiredness, no sadness, no hope, just nothing. Even anxiety is better than this nothing (well in the middle of an anxiety attack I wouldn't say that, but this is relativity). I don't know who I am. I really don't want to be emaciated and sick, but who am I sine this damned ED? I am not 16 with everything in front of myself and I am not an adult, although I will be 25 in two months. I feel like failure this fall.

Things with therapist are not good as well- he keeps telling me that 1) I am under too much pressure and 2) I don't cope with this pressure well. I know. But he doesn't help me find any new coping mechanisms. Our session is like:
T: You should get more responsibility and organise your time better. With more relaxation etc.
Me: I know, the problem is as soon as I get more free time, I use it for ED behaviours and thoughts.
T: But you should do some yoga or meditation in this free time.
Me: It is dangerous to add any kind of exercise, even yoga, believe me, I know myself.
T: Yoga is not an exercise for your body, it is for your mind.
Me thinking: Ok. I am giving up.

Maybe I should do more yoga and everything will be all right. And I kind of don't mean it ironically.