orienteering and blind maps

I love maps since I´ve been 7 years old and I participated in my first orienteering race. I love the possibility to find every single tree, rock or little spring among thousands similar trees. I love running through places I´ve never been. In some way I somehow love the feeling of being lost and find the way again and the fact that there is not one particular best way. There are plenty of opportunities. Just you, the map and compass.
Orienteering used to be part of my life before I got sick. I enjoyed the racing and I enjoyed the time after race or training when we sat together and discussed over the maps our traces. I miss it and I hope that some day I will join some club and try it again.

In these days of eating and gaining weight I sometimes feel like I needed some map in my hands and some compass in my brain. I know, every map is subjective, someone creates it and someone is looking at it, (mis)interpret it and the risk of getting lost is allways there even with best map and GPS, but I needed some controls, some red marked points in the map. Not that I don´t have any aims. There is target weight which is pretty objective point. There are exams that are also more or less objective. Life in BCity and BCells-research and so on.
However, recovery and real life is something much more subjective. It feels like blind map. I don´t know where I am heading. I don´t remember how to move in recovered and free area without barbed wires everywhere along the only path. (I just remember that my grandpa told me once about old communistic maps of borderland regions. They were intentionally falsified in order to disable escape of emigrants. I think eating disorders and totalitarian regime have plenty of similar strategies. I am trying to recall this high feeling of having opportunities and many different ways. I know I have to participate on the creating my own map like I have to create my new body. Right now both things seem to be scary, but --- I love maps.