Note to self: Don't move your things and bike to Berlin when the whole city runs marathon.
Note to the-lady´s-voice-in-my-GPS: Sorry. I was soooo nervous.
Berlin is huge. And still you don't feel small or lost there. It is somehow transparentely kind and kindly transparent. I will live in old house in the former western part near the place where the wall used to be. I've seen only one of my future flatmates so far and she seems to be all right, I don't know if we will be real friends, but it is too soon to assess.
Now I'm back in Prague and have last follow-up therapy week. In some ways it is even more intense that inpatient therapy. I am trying to change the conscious part of my altered reward system. Huh sounds like shamanism. I also got long cognitive behavioral plan for first weeks in Berlin which I will copy and post soon.
I have almost no time for being absofuckinglutely scared.
The first time I hit a big city I was nut's I went around and around and finaly just got back on the interstate and got out of there! EEK! You did great!
ReplyDeleteWhat is "altered reward system"? That's a new one on me.
Wow, what a big change and challenge for you right away, please keep us updated on how it goes with settling in! I have so much respect for you for going through treatment and emerging with a new resolve, you're a hero in my book!
ReplyDeleteEating Alone: Sorry for my belated reaction (my week was crazily busy) (+ I'm not sure if I am able explain it in english)
ReplyDeleteTheory about altered reward processing sais that AN patients (AND people recovered from it)have difficulties with diferentiating positive and negative feedbacks. One region in the brain (caudate and ventral striatum pathways) which is responsible to link actions with outcomes (and is a part of reward circuit) responses abnormal in AN patients - it process everything "strategic" opposed of "hedonic" in normal people. AN patients have increased traffic in brain circuits that are linked to planning and consequences and at the same time they have imbalance in circuits identify the emotional significance of environmental stimuli -> AN patients do not live in the moment and have exagerated worry about consequences of their behaviours, seeking rules where there are no rules and so on.
Well I think you knew this intuitive without the biological corelate, hm?
The important thing is that my therapist uses it in therapy. He knows people like me are obsessed with numbers, facts, consequences, scales etc. and instead of trying to convert me in life enjoyer and non-planner, he uses "the weapons of anorexia" for promoting recovery. He has developed various number "reward scales", practically some reward system outside my head that is making processing, decision making and recognizing positie and negative concequences little bit easier. I will write another post about it, because it is complicated, but if it is interesting for you, I can email you some of my therapist's materials.
Cammy: Thank you! Now (just two days before my definitive move) Berlin seems like the craziest idea ever and I look like massively shivering nohero. But I will try to make the best of the oppotunity I've got.
And you know - you and Lisa from "Pratfalls" are MY inspirations and heroes!!
Good luck in settling in Berlin. Lots of changes for you, but I hope you are able to weather through it, even if you are scared. Use the skills you've learned to get through it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tiptoe! I feel weird, because "my" changes are considered to be happy changes - med school + grad school, research I always dreamed about.. but also different eating habits, new people + social anxious me..
ReplyDeleteI really really hope some happy changes are waiting for you and Baxter!!
Ola, hope you are just adjusting well to Berlin.
ReplyDeleteI'm officially moving my blog to private today. I got your comment about wanting to be added but have no e-mail address for you. So you can send it to me via my e-mail through my profile page on my blog. Thanks!