I need to write. Again. I am sorry Anne. And thanksthanksthanks.
And thank you Cammy for your always so kind comments.
I wish you were right.
When I first get sick with anorexia, it was quite a quick process. I almost didn't know something is very wrong until I was at the point of no return and although I knew everything is wrong, I couldn't voluntarily go back.
Watching my brother is just 1000*worse and faster. It´s Bern a week since he's home and already it is clear he won't go back in the school. (He doesn't know). His kidney funtions are not very good and he is anemic.
Meals are tough and silent although we speak. I wonder who suffers more- mom or M.?
Yesterday he ate his dinner quite brave, but then he started to panic, looked so scared, just couldn't stop walking round the house and eventually he just sat in the bathroom in the corner with me being useless and cried how ashamed he is, how he doesn't know what is worse- the thought of him really thinking about throwing up the dinner, the thought which feels Like being not him and being the most of his personality at the same time, the fight against urge to do it or the anxiety of something wrong happening if he won't do it. I asked him what would happen, just like they keep asking me for years. He didn't answer, just shaked his head. In his age I just wouldn't eat it to avoid these voices, urges, dilemmas I couldn't understand. He is still trying, but it doesn't really work. He is so fucking brave, but I think every day is harder.
I suggested a short walk and so we were walking for about 15 minutes and neither of us said a world.
M.still believes that tomorrow mum will drive him back to the school, and I can't imagine, what will happen after he realizes it won't happen and that there will be another doctor's appointments and other things I don't want to think about right now.
Could we please all wake up and being somewhere else?
I know. We could wake up in Japan, Lybia, or we could wake up as a family of the french or british soldier who is heading there right now or as a family of this young woman in gynecology department who- 3 months after her first son was born- has really rare cervix carcinoma and has maybe one year of life. I know.
Have a nice and calm weekend!
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