Spring

There are apparently a lot of things going on in our home and heads right now, but I will be a bit selfish and I won't write about my brother and mum right now. There is nothing new anyway- there is silence and tries and tears and little victories followed by bigger meltdowns.

When I am not thinking about brother, I think about my future job. I've definitely decided that a) I will (at least I will try to) be a clinician and not give it up and be just in a lab. It is not like I think being a theoretician (does this word work?) is somehow inferior to being a clinician. The thing is that I am afraid that if I won't start in a clinic right now, I won't have the courage to do it later. I've also definitely decided to b) be a neurologist and c) work outside of Prague. I still don't know if I prefere Czech Rep., Germany or Sweden. Language-wise there is no big difference, but I still feel like czechswedish and I wonder if I could feel in Germany "at home". On the other side, Germany gives you much more opportunities than the two remaining countries together. I am having my interviews in May, so that I am starting to be bit nervous. I don't feel like I could just go somewhere and convince someone I am the one who they want:/ I feel so uncertain, unexperienced and ugly/sef-conscious and like I have lost half of my life with ED instead of doing something useful like learning other languages, volunteering more, collecting more experience (and now, "recovered = fat" and for what?). I know it is a nonsence. I know recovery is why I am where I am and why I can choose (as opposed to letting anorexia choose) what will happen next (at least approximately). But at the same time it is scary. Will they refuse me after the interview? Will they see that I am bit brain sick inside? That I carry some bad gene? Will I be able to treat my future patients well? Will I be able to make new friends, meet some boyfriend, pay all of my bills and staying sane? And so on... My mother would say: don't think so much and do something for it--> I am going to study a bit.

Happy first day of spring!