hellweek

In the winter I sometimes thought things that my life was getting better and even might be ok one day. How could couple of months or weeks make such a horrible difference? I was trying to be social and to study hard and be the normal at-least-in-pubic-cheerful curious me, but it gets extremely hard. And harder. And lonely. This past week was h.e.l.l. All the time I was feeling like two seconds before bursting into tears. You know this feeling before crying - you feel the tears in your throat and in your head and behind your cheeks and you don't want let them out, because people are watching or you are watching, but it is unavoidable, they are coming higher and higher and you are pressing your lips and bliknking and speaking with funny voice and it burns more and more until you feel that you've lost the battle and you are relieved and ashame at the same time? I've felt like this all te time in last days. There are suddenly so many tears and bad thoughts and anxiety in my chest and it feels like nothing will be ok. Never ever. I am so lazy and failure hate myselffor it and if there wasn't school, I probably wouldn't do nothing. Where is my usual hyperactivity? (I know hyperactivity is not the wished state, but it is probably better than this). I was horrible horrible horrile at my parents. Mum is very tired and upset and hates the fact two of her kids are kind of insane. And when I speak to dad, he always reminds me how lame I am in medicine and how I should do this and this and not what I want. (Wait- what do I want? just sleep and the end of the world in 2012?). Yesterday I mentioned how bored I was in cardiology (the rotaton itself is not uninteresting, but it is too specialized and I can't do almost anything by myself) and how I hate that I have to go to the hospital which is on the other side of town (1,5 hour x 2 each day) and he told me that I am spoiled brat and that it is best cardiology department and blahblah. I don't want the professor at home, I want normal father (does something like norma father exist?). Well after that I was acting like spoiled brat and yelling things I didn't want to tell (or I did, but didn't want to tell them aloud). I know. My parents deserve better. They are both clever and well-balanced and high standard. They didn't do anything bad. They ale +/- supportive. They care. Well now I've probably proved I AM spoiled and unthankful and scratch-cat like my parents've explained me lately. I just needed to vent. Hopefully weekend will bring good or at least better things to all!