- Brother+mom were 2 days in his school, scheduling his individual study plan he got for next two months. Which means he will either (if he will able to gain some weight during spring break) stay at home and go to local high school + see a therapist 2 times a week or (if he won't do any better) he will go to hospital. That's the plan.
- Which makes me kind of think about how treatment of anorexia (at least the treatment I experienced) is so carrot or stick (in czech it is sugar or horse-whip) based. You can't do that and that until you reach weight xy. For my brother, school means everything. It is boarding school and he practically doesn't have any friends outside of it (he doesn't even have a facebook, so that I wonder how isolated he is now). Instead of being motivated, M. was so mad and frustrated (and I didn't see him at his worst - mum said she never saw him so desperate as during the home ride that she almost gave up and turn the car) and he doesn't eat more (if not even less) than before.
- Anyway two M's school friends are comming during the spring break for couple of days and I think it is really awesome!
- Friend of mine is comming from overseas as well and I think it is awesome as well:)
- I turned down one working opportunity in one german Uni and I even don't know why. It might have been really good place, but 1. I've had just this irrational NO feeling; 2. They want me to decide really quickly which I am not very good at 3. The process of decision was itself so frustrating that started to freak out and being even more irrational and afraid of all of that.
- Now I am freaking out that I haven't decided good.
- What is "good"? And for who, for what?
- God, I am waggling between some hardcore university-research-career and being a baseline doctor in some little hospital in the hills. Probably this indecisiveness is just a symptom of my fear and my general inability and lameness. Or my debilitating everything-or-nothing attitude.
- Speaking of waggling, I have the feeling my whole body is waggling and ugly and that I can't face any job-interview. Never ever. (And I know I have to. Soon.)
- I make my rotation with a doctor who is there for a rotation before his specialisation exam. She is quite uninterested (which is weird, because she IS cardiologist and will make it for the rest of her life, but well, the hospital is generally not very teaching oriented). The thing is, she is almost never there. She goes to the morning meeting and then leaves. She is not from Prague, so that she lives in the doctors and nurses house nearby. I've met her twice while going home and she was returning from the park where she was jogging. Ok it is not a big deal. So she joggs. But in my head it starts to spin: the rotation is not so interesting, so YOU could jog instead of it as well. You could spend your time more effective. You don't do it. So you are lazy and failure and blahblah. You get the idea. I don't even know what bothers me more- 1. The fact that I am not the one who is exercising (more) and "wasting" my time (it is not waste of time, I've actually learned coupe of things I cant' read in my book and I even defibrilated one patient) or 2. The constant spinning of these negative and selfaccusating thoughts (that actually ARE waste of time).
- Ok, something positive: I am pretty good with kids. I don't know why, but I somehow could get in their world. Maybe it is childishness, but this week, couple of people told me how I can handle kids well:)
- My friend from treatment, who is pretty close to me (closest "ED" friend) is moving to a litte house with her boyfriend. It is so great and makes me smile and happy for them and it gives me hope that one day I will be able to live with someone, but I observed (and I hate it) some jealousy in me. I am afraid that we won't be so close anymore (especially bcause her boyfriend doesn't like her meeting people from treatment). She is nice and I am sure she won't dump me because of the boyfriend it is just - she has the real life with real man in real house and where am I? Will we be able to relate in the future? And this small but annoying thought- what did I wrong? Why am I where I am and not being able to move to my own house with a boyfried? I am pathetic now.
- There are more things, but I think this is enough for now.
- Listen to Bright Eyes.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
news from the madhouse
Week after hellweek:
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It is weird, because yesterday I was thinking about Mat doesn't having facebook. I don't know why, but it made me sad.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about how I hate that now you must feel what I felt when you got sick for the first time and I couldn't break the wall between us, between you and reality, between myself loving you and myself being mad at you for what you were doing to yourself.
I just hope this scary situation and Mat's illness might help you to make insights important for ultimate recovery..
5 more days. Love you. A~~~
I think your friends are VERY awesome ;-)
(why we are speaking everything but swedish?)
Love you.
Grr, I lost my entire comment.
ReplyDeleteCatching up here. I'm sorry about your brother. Is he doing any better? I can only imagine how hard that must be watching your sibling go through something similar you went through, knowing all you can offer is support, a listening ear, and sympathy.
As for what you want to do, it is hard decision. If it makes you feel better, there are many people who grapple with this very issue. Society, family, and friends aren't always helpful in the decision making process either.
I think you will figure it out in time. In the meanwhile, it is okay to explore and try to find out what might be best for you.
As for your friend, I've felt similiarly, especially when I see old high school and college friends who are marries, have houses, and kids. I try to remind myself that I've just taken a different path than them, and I'm no less than them. It's hard sometimes as I do wonder what it is they have that I don't.
Take care of yourself, Ola!
Thank you for your comment, Tiptoe (and especially after you lost the first one- I often don't have the patience to retype a lost one).
ReplyDeleteMy brother has managed to do bit better during the spring break. It is so weird, because there are times when he is acting totally normal like an average teenager and then there are times when you can tell he is really sick and locked in his mind. The doctors recommend IP, but the decision about whether he should be in IP or not is so difficult to make.. especially because it is in the end our mum's decision.
What and where I want to do is one thing and how will it affect my family, my patients and recovery is another and I am pretty confused, but I think it is better to have all these options than not have the opportunity to choose.
And it is great that you are able to accept where you are and what path you took/are taking. I also try to accept thatthere are 987634567890987 and even more ways to live and every way is unique and somehow meaningful.
Have a nice weekend Tiptoe!