food challenge

Thank you so much for a nice emails! And Isa+David- I promise I will announce every urine or blood on the beginning of the post- I sometimes forget that not everyone is as desensitised Aš med students are. Speaking about body fluids during lunch is quite a usual thing. So today I will write just about food and calories and I hope it won't be triggering.

The thing is in these past 3 weeks there was plenty school and family stress and I've had 2 really not very nice migraines (probably from drinking too much coffee) and even though I've supplied part of my food with Nutridrinks during migraines and my total intake was the same, I've lost some weight. I've lost bit over 4 kilos, which is not that much provided that since treatment in summer 09' I weigh more than ever in my life and it's way above the low-end of normal, but I was quite confused when I've discovered it. Weight loss was always even more triggering thing than weight gain and I have a feeling that in future weeks and months I will need my mental and physical energy, because:

• Provided I won't pass my final exam, I will be in quite a stress and I will need to study during the summer really intense. I am bit scared, because I've never failed an exam, but I don't have a good feeling about finals. The spring was so stressful and I wasn't studying in my usual pace.
• Provided I will pass that exam, there will be some major decisions ahead and I am not exactly good at personal decisions.
• I really want to be a good (or at least not be a bad) role model for brother. It sounds porbably ridiculously, because for all those years I was either underweight or running like crazy or in treatment or don't eating what my family did etc etc. But as much as I hate it and am ashamed, I can't make my past better. So I need to focus on now and therefore:

I decided to increase my calories a bit. I have added extra 70 g of rye oats and 40 g of raisins to my normal breakfast and nuts for breakfast and a about half of a chocolate or chocolate bar before bed. I have had also this irrational thought that I eat too much ketchup (I do. Everyone who knows me know I am ketchup freak.) and I need to cut it down. I don't think I've lost weight because of cutting ketchup (I have replaced it with tahini or cottage cheese to made my calories equal), but maybe I shouldn't cut anything down. Well except of caffeine.

So in next weeks I really want to stick to this breakfast and chocolate challenge (today is my day 3; and I know for most humans the word challenge seems to be really exaggerated). I know this is the least interesting post I've ever written, but I need it people. Because I like things written down, you know. Maybe I need someone knows and I am not completely alone with it. Maybe someone can relate. Maybe I should use someone else's words to end this post.

"It's so hard to express yourself.'
I understand this.'

I want to express myself.'

The same is true for me.'

I'm looking for my voice.'

It's in your mouth.'
I want to do something I'm not ashamed of.'

Something you are proud of, yes?'

Not even. I just don't want to be ashamed."

— Jonathan Safran Foer (Everything Is Illuminated)