When I was a kid I was obsessed with twins. It started with an article I've read about left-handed people- it said they are mirror-images of their unborn righthanded twins who didn't survive early pregnancy. I have no idea where this myth about left handed people came from, but as a little girl I was scared of the idea I may have "killed" my twin. It was just one of my irrational fears, but sometimes I wonder how life would have been with "my" twin.
My last couple of days were rather bad, not just because studying and studying, but because the ED thoughts are so irritating and the ubiquitous pattern: you are not thin, you are far above it so you don't have right for ED thoughts, you are eating so much so why are you constantly thinking about food and such an uninteresting stuff, you will be never free of it...you will never find anything more important than ED, you will allways stay cojoined to it... is killing me.
And so on. I didn't want ot bother you with this, I just wanted to post a song about cojoined twins, which really touched me, because there are some parallels with eating disorders and this ambivalency (who am I?), this (whose?) thoughts. Or it is me seeing it everywhere, I don't know. At least it's very nice music (many thanks to Regula and Fredy!).
(...)
we grew up, so very close
a parasite little host
I'm only trying to do what is best for us!
well, I never asked for this! I never wanted this!
all that I want is some time to myself!
looking in your eyes, I'm coming home
just get away from me!
please just stop touching me!
you're always trying to be somebody else!
now I realize I'm not alone
well, you're only scared of me!
but you never cared for me!
why don't you let me breathe?
cause you never dare to be!
cause you never listen, and you're always insisting on just reminiscing I feel something missing!
I just want my privacy... why can't you leave me alone?
I just want you hear with me... god, can't you just get a loan?
(...)
I'm sorry you're struggling with ED thoughts. And you don't have to earn the right to struggle by being any given weight or size. The difficulties are valid no matter what you look like or think you look like. I definitely empathize with how hard it can be to feel in limbo, not as sick as you once were but not as fully recovered (in thoughts, body, or anything else) as you need to be. Hang in there, you have worked so hard to get where you are today, and deserve nothing less than the absolute best.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I've always been really interested in twins too, and recently found a really interesting article (from a legit newspaper, not one of those tabloid ones that love conjoined twin stories) on issues with "mind linkage" in twins that are conjoined at the head: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/29/magazine/could-conjoined-twins-share-a-mind.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=conjoined%20twins&st=cse