(Btw. I don't know why I am doing this not-telling-the-name-of-the-country-thing, because I will write about it sooner or later anyway, but for now it feels somehow safer to do it so.)
I am happy and scared at the same time. Which is pretty frequent state of mind when something good happens, because anticipation anxiety immediately arrives. It is like: this thing is good, but it is impossible that you can be good to not to screw it. It is probably how my anorexic mindset was "created": You are good at running and everyone is saying you are thin (I was in healthy weight range for my age), so you must inevitably be just worse and fatter in the future. And so I tried to avoid it.
Anyway. The job means I will live the farthest from home I have lived (except of 3 months in high school) and plenty things to arrange requiring speaking to so much new and probably twice as intelligent people as I am, giving up my pipette and protein isolation and learning some new scary imaging software. Not speaking about the clinic. S-land has 50 hours working week for doctors, so that I am already freaking out about how I will eat and exercise and being able to stay in a state of body and mind that the job requires. I think there is no point in making plans and scenarios right now, because it will be all different then, so I think I will just wait and see (as you know something I am not very good at). But soon I will be officially student at medical faculty again, which feels good, feels like coming home. I like the student identity. Probably it gives me kind of mental permission to not feel so old and so adult, to wear jeans and sweatshirts or cardigans all the time and to not have kids and fancy house. (Am I just fooling myself again?) However it definitely means cheaper trains and books. Yeah.
There is a good thing blog-wise. The research/thesis part of the job is in English (another reason to freaking out and wanting to stampede away until it is not late) which means this time I will really have to try hard and move myself from fourth-class-Come-And-Play*-level somewhere further.
Ok, I am going to look again at the list of things I should do now and.......big surprise.......freak.
*Come and Play was our incredibly dumb English book in elementary school. One of the main characters was Pixie Dixie, a boy that came from Universe in his red spaceship. Despite the spaceship being in every chapter, it was oh-so-boring. But it wouldn't be fair to blame this book for my bad English.
Wow, well done! I'm exactly the same- I always feel as though anything good can't possibly last. But there's no reason why it won't! It sounds as though you've done really well to get this far, so I'm sure you'll do brilliantly. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Ola,
ReplyDeleteFirst, your English is NOT bad!!! It's almost flawless (at least from my view point, which may not be completely flawless either :-P) and if you haven't spend a significant amount of time in an English-speaking country, I'd say your English is excellent :-)
Second, congrats on getting the job! I'm really happy for you :-) Hope you will enjoy it and the 50 hours per week will not be too exhausting (it definitely would be for me...). When do you start this job? Is it for a specific or unspecific length of time?
Have a good day and good luck with everything!
Thank you:) To be honest the 50 hours weeks really scares me (40 would scare me as well), but I don't have any other option than go and figure if I can do it. Maybe this is the only way of stopping me overexercising or thinking about it so much. On the other hand I am afraid that I can't think clear without exercising. These thoughts are really bothering right now:( I will start in September and I think first the length of time depends on how long my thesis will take. Thank you both again!
ReplyDeleteHey congratulations!!! I think maybe you are the only person that's surprised, though. :) I knew even the top people would be lucky to have you! And don't let yourself be intimidated: the people there have more experience than you at this point, but they are in no way smarter or inherently superior to you. They have the luxury to be very selective and pick only the best people, and that's you! I know it's a huge transition for you, and it has to be expected that it will bring some stress, but don't doubt your strength either. Changes are hard but the difficult period does does always pass. SO excited for you about this good news!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cammy. It feels good to read this, but I really think everyone is seeing someone else in me and I feel like I am just waiting for someone to discover how incompetent (and so so tired and anxious) I am (behind my usually curious and cheerful or at least alright facade). However I am ready to work hard (at least in my thoughts now) and hopefully the work on patients' brains and the feeling of doing something useful will make my screaming brain bit quieter. Thanks again, your comments always mean a lot!
ReplyDelete