In which she makes an idiot of herself...

So the plan is:

Tomorrow: 13+ hours travel to "foreign" country S (which is not absolutely true, because I don't feel as complete foreigner there, but still it makes me bit nervous)

Thursday/Friday: some rather short travels in country S because my accomodation is in another city than the inteview (as I am traveling alone I am uber-anxious that I will be so tired that I oversleep/be so anxoius and psychically exhausted that I won't sleep at all/get incorrect train or tram/forget my keys or money or bag somewhere/won't be able to speak in a language I am not 100% confident in etc. And than on Friday morning: Job interview.

I am beginning to think that I must be absolutely crazy, because the hospital/Uni is definitely one or two leagues higher than where I am. And with my ability to present myself + language it will look like four leagues. Sigh. I still think it is some kind of mistake that they have invited me. I am basically going to spend money and nerves on a trip where I will make an idiot of myself. I am trying to look for some positives like: first really serious experience, having nothing to lose, training myself in the language, some kind of exposition therapy for my anxieties (that unfortunately rise and rise after end of school and the Big Uncertainty Ahead)... well nothing of it makes me feel significantly better. Maybe little bit.

I was trying to prepare a bit, so here are some wins and failures:

• win: it's unbelievable, but I've spend more than 3 hours in shopping center (and only about 40 minutes in bookstore and no tears!) on Saturday and I have bought a decent clothes. Even more unbelievable is that I actually feel kind of good in them. It is just blouse and skirt, but for me it is a win.
• fail: I've emailed with the assistent of the Prof who is making the interview and I've copied part of another email (pretty insignificant, but still..:(..) into the email for her accidentaly. It wasn't visible before I've send my mail, but I've reread it after and..well it was there:/ Awkward.
• win: I've tried to exercise less and/or more careful (and partly succeeded), becuase hyperthermia, dehydration and fatigue are the last things I need right now. It wasn't some huge success, but given the anxiety, I did decent.
• fail: During these days and my attempts to exercise less, I was often panicking about how it will continue after/if I start work. I don't think I will get the job in S, but I don't think I will be unemployed either and I don't think I should stay at home, so that there is option full PhD (more time for my routines, less responsibility, less anxiety...) or clinical work with a perspective of PhD next year (step into uncertainty, adulthood, but also the thing I wanted to do when I was 8, 11... I kind of owe this kid a lot...).
• win: I've trained a language and a --ology during last 2 weeks. Partial fail: Can't believe how much I have forget! But I enjoyed it and I am definitely decided about one particular area of medicine, doesn't matter if it will be research or clinical work. I am starting to be curious again after couple of months of apathy and it feels good.

So. Now I should prepare myself for a first big professional fiasco in my life and how I will cope afterwards. It would be really The Dream if I got the job, but I need to be realist and figure out how not to feel like complete failure afterwards (idiot is ok), how to be able to go on with job search and how to not base my selfesteem on that interview. I am pretty unexperienced in this area, so both interview and my reaction to (in 99%- I need some residual childish hope, ok?) negative result will be kind of adventure for me.