Lonely as my discarded student card

My head is mess. Maybe I've read too much Faulkner lately, dissolved in his dysfunctional deep and broad families, relationships, ochre rivers and states between slow lifes and slow deaths. In his weird time and amazing language. Instead of reading, I should study for upcomming interview that I am dreadig. Oh I am really imagining the most catastrophic scenarios. Moreover I need to buy a ticket and some reasonable clothes and work a bit on the language (the interview is in the worst of 3 languages I consider as native and it worries me more and more) and I am doing nothing nothing nothing except reading even crazier than usually and being anxious. The thing is- when my anxiety is over the roof just because this one interview, how can I actually one day work with people? Maybe my place is really in the lab. Who knows. Probably I will end in the lab after all, because there is no way that someone with normal brain can see me as doctor. Do you want to have a doctor who thinks that her childhood probably should end, because there will be last Harry Potter movie? (And no- I am not sleeping with stuffed animals and I don't want to be pediatrician.)

My best friend is for two months in another continent watching ants and my "best czech freind" has just married and is traveling around Europe and school is definitely past and I miss my classmates more than I thought. I feel weird when I visit M. and I am not a student anymore. I can't wear my white coat that makes you feel like you are bit covered, that you have some kind of identity. I can't use my student card to open the doors. I am a sister visiting her anorexic brother. I am not hurrying to the lecture or to the library. M. is gaining weight and I don't see it, he is stil rachitic and sad in my eyes. But my eyes are fucked up. My sister is going to holiday and I feel really lonely. And than again I am absolutely glad I am alone and don't have to speak and I am really ambivalent and emotional and bit overwhelmed with everything.

...when we say we're looking for a spiritual adviser, we're really looking for someone to tell us what to do with our bodies. Decisions of the flesh. We forget to learn from pleasure as well as pain."

--Anne Michaels

You can't. You have to.
--Wiliam Faulkner