slightly disgusting post about anxiety and nausea

I am back from the minitrip which went ok-ish, althought I don't think I've made it to another round of the interviews (there are still some more candidates to interview this week, so I don't know 100%, but the probability is really tiny). I may write about the trip later, it was basically very tiring and lot of time spent traveling respectively waiting for some kind of transportation, but I have had surprisingly nice weather, visited beatiful botanical garden and did one little hike to the local biggest mountain (just about 1500 m, but given my shoes it was probably my maximum on that day). The interivew itself was bit confusing and something else than I expected, but all in all probably good experience.

But now I need to write about M., something I was neglecting/avoiding/dreading in the last weeks and that is on my mind almost nonstop. The thing is M. is not doing very well. He is eating and he has gained some weight (slower than he was expected in the clinic, but let's blame it on his hyperactive teenage metabolism). He doesn't cheat. He doesn't fight with Mum or doctors (usually). He is "just" struggling so much it's almost impossible to watch it. Some meals are ok-ish, some are bit distressing and some are terrors. Well TERRORS:

1. M. isn't able to eat alone. Someone has to watch or he will get anxious people won't believe him that he has eaten and force him to eat again. Well this may be normal after weeks in clinic with uber-suspicious nurses.
2. Sometimes he has something like full blown anxiety attack. Shaking, sweating, palpitations, restlessness, all inclusive. Moreover he has sometimes really imperative, almost psychotic urges to throw up after a meal. (He hasn't done it yet. Or I hope so.)
3. After such a bad meal, he is absolutely drained. Earlier, he was fighting against the bed rest after meals and was studying like crazy, but I think the resources are gone and in these last weeks he actually just lays in bed in embryonal position with his book closed in the hand and does nothing. Stares.
4. He is still VERY ashamed about all what is happening. Probably still in shock. This illness just threw him against a hard wall made of (ir)reality that noone should experience; so unexpected, it has invaded him with such a force. Where does this force come from? This malicious mind-invasion.

Like some virus or bacteria.

I have had a bad stomach infection just twice in the life I think. It was like some little, but very furious and anxious animal with really sharp claws or teeth or spines (actually it was probably couple of innocent looking single-celled "animals" or even just enveloped DNA/RNA) got into my gastrointestinal tract and was frantically trying to find its way out both upwards and downwards and taking all the food and liquids I consumed with it. And when there was nothing to take, it felt like the animal decided to find a direct way through my stomach. Well it hurt quite a lot. But I could survive pain, the worst thing was nausea. I didn't know what was happening, I knew just I was so sick and something has to happen NOW. I thought just about bathroom/toilet and why the visit to the bathroom hasn't really helped. And how I will clean all that mess I've done (at some point it was not really relevant anymore). Ugh. Why am I writing all that slightly disgusting stuff? I think anxiety is just like nausea (actually they are developementally related). You feel really PHYSICALLY ENDANGERED. As soon as it started, it is very hard/impossible to stop it through willpower. It comes in waves and it makes you feel really powerless.

M.'s anxiety is not showing improving tendency + his therapist (who -all in all- isn't that bad. He just thinks he is mindreader sometimes) has now almost 3 weeks holiday, so that Mum has decided, she is taking M. home and taking her "holiday", so that she can feed/support him. Or at least try it. He is at home since weekend and Mum is surprisingly optimistic. To be honest, I am little bit afraid. The illness has such a grip on him and nobody of us doesn't really understand what is happening. I wish so much I could get sick with gastroenteritis 100 times and M. could be better. But maybe, I am just impatient.

While you are reading it, M., you probably think what I've thought many times:

1. Look what you (such a bad bad person) are doing- forcing your family to watch your so called pain every day, scaring everyone, making them worried and preoccupied with you.

2. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

My "answers" on your non-questions are:

1. It is our job. Watching someone suffering is not easy, but it is life. And we all are so looking forward to watching you better, to share some happier moments like graduation or simply "normal" days.

2. No. No, we won't. I won't. Nobody deserves to be alone in state like this. I am absolutely positive that you won't let me be alone if I was suffering like you are right now. We can give you privacy, but we can't leave you alone.

Oh. I'm sorry. I probably just wanted to "say", these three weeks will be hard, but hopefully it will bring some results. This post actually doesn't have much of a point.
But does this all have a point???