soul searching (random)

1. In all kinds of therapy I´ve ever had I was more or less in control what was happening. I was in charge of how much I did in overcoming my issues. In Remedy´s body-based therapy I am not. I am not allowed to control and it is physically not possible to control some movements and feelings connected with them. They are simply stronger and older than my ilness. I should be happy, because sometimes I really thought that I am absolutely nonresponding to every therapy because I am so controling and controled. Now, things are emerging without me working directly on it. It is confusing. I realised that the thing which scares me is not the change itself, but the fact that I can´t control the change happening (even if it was the best change ever), that I don´t deserve it or don´t work on it hard.

2. After one week of nephrology I can say just: I used to think The Brain is the most mystical and complicated organ in our body. I wasn´t right. SORRY KIDNEY, you are my big boss now.

On the picture there is podocyte, interesting cell which is invoved in filtration of plasma and the fact its little foot processes don´t regenerate after injury contributes to many chronic kidney diseases. In fact, podocytes are somehow similar to neurons: they posses structures which look like synaptic vesicles and contain glutamate (most "popular" neurotransmiter in brain) and another neuronal and synaptical specific protiens. But there are not only some proteins, there is sophisticated (and again very neuron-like) way to spread informations along the membrane. Our kidney cells need/can talk to each other and the level of their communication is pretty similar to communication in brain.

I am fascinated with this subtle autonome communication! Maybe Remedy and all her body (non) controlling theories are more acurate than any verbal therapy. When she is saying unconsciuosly (VERY often) - she is not aware of how subconsciously it is.

3. Next week 3 exams - and I feel like doing too little school work. I feel constantly so lazy, big, stupid and unproductive. Am I? Who am I? Where is my real mind? (probably somewhere in my kidneys right now...)