So.
Practical part of semester is over for a while. I´ve passed three exams in last 4 days (big sigh of relief) but the final exam in the end of June is scary (much bigger skrik - means scream in my/Edvard Munch´s language). So there is a hiatus of three weeks for us to study and freak out at home (freaking out together in the school could be even calming, but this is hell).
"At different moments you see with different eyes. You see differently in the morning than you do in the evening. In addition, how you see is also dependent on your emotional state. Because of this, a motif can be seen in many different ways, and this is what makes art interesting."
Said Edward Munch (I love his paintings. Not just because of patriotism and the fact mental illness run markedly in his family). Sure. It is what makes Earth so fantastic. But this is also what makes the recovery so sinusoid and hard.
Last week I had the feeling I can do it. That I can tolerate my new body, that I need the weight for being here. I had great time with my friends (including dinner and two glasses of wine), felt loved, safe, on the good way. I think I will write another post about it. Right now, I am so uncomfortable with my body and with myself generally, it´s impossible. I am eating every bite of my meal plan, but I feel the tension already, I want to scream and run away, run inside and leave just a message on my surface, leave it on my former exosceleton, on my no-body. I am not here. It is very complicated to relax within this body and in this busy days during the therapy (and proper relaxation is the key of body based therapy). I feel like big belly and breast on thin muscular legs of seventy years old tour-de-France-obsessive cyclist. I feel bad for feeling it, because it is childish and so tiring and I am to busy for it, but...you know. When I was eight and my beloved grandfather died from cancer, I was hardcore confident about finding the cure for cancer once. Now I can´t even find the cure for this messy content of my head. Am I still fooling myself and not trying as hard as I think I am?
Ugh, actually I wanted to write something about elections to European Parliament, Czech and Norwegian mentality and responsility, but it results in this lame post, so I stop it now.
I love, love Edward (or is it Edvard?) Munch. There's so much more than "The Scream."
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel uncomfortable about your body, try as hard as you can to think about the good times with your friends. Not necessarily the food, but the conversation, the company - the things that made it so wonderful.
Hang in there. You can do it.