Fat Miss Failure

I promised myself that with stable healthy weight my emotions will be stable and healthy.
My weight is one or 2 kilos from target (and my target was not set at BMI 17,5 or so). (Actually I think I have higher BMI than my younger sister now- don't worry K, I am NOT going to count it, but I am much shorter and... stop it).
So why is the anxiety so brutal? Why every meal or deciding what I will eat is struggle? Yesterday I was trying to fool myself that this is just traveling anxiety, my jaws are aching from chewing gum so intensive and the fact I can't even read a book (I can always read at the bus) is alarming. But this morning I was again almost vomiting, feeling so desperate and void here in Berlin, Miss Failure in the city of opportunities and progress. The "prescription" would be so easy...seriously, stop it,
The fact that I have done most of my research last semester and now I have plenty of free time (everyone is jealous - irony) makes it even harder. I need some distraction and I can't think about nothing but exercising etc. Stop it- there are variety of cultural opportunities in Berlin, nice parks (for walks, photographing, making picnics and reading books- not just frenetic running).
How comes that after all those years I am not able not to feel almost ashamed and inferior when I don't overexercised and see someone exercising? Am I and really so shallow and my values so vain? My ex-therapist would probably say that it is not me, "just" the disease, but the disease is in my mind and who am I if I am not my mind? (My body? Haha- somehow tricky as well).

Ok, got to plan some distraction program and social challenging for this semester as my labmates are really confused to see me in the lab much more often than I need to be there.

Why is it sometimes so damned hard to just be a normal human being?