what? last lecture?

Signs of summer are all around- tiny ants in our kitchen and (myrmecologists don't read now) mum fighting them with multiple funny approaches, storms with warm rain, father's study groups in our garden (I really can't get how comes that father's students - the students I've looked up since I was 12 or so - are now my age or even younger. It makes me feel old.) and library full of students studying for finals.


Yesterday I've finally visited my brother. I remember how hard all the visits were for me in first weeks in IP. There were too many visitors, too many emotions, too many perfectly normal questions in absolutely abnormal situation. I remember how I was looking forward to the visiting days and then I was absolutely drained after 15 minutes and wished to be alone. It got better during my stay, but I think in the first weeks things may be same hyperintense for M. as they were for me. Anyway M. seemed to be quite happy to see me and from my perspective the visit was ok. We mainly spoke about his therapist and about school work I've brought him. I think that for being 16 and half, he is little bit too serious about school. I adressed how much he is studying (although I think- I know- he would excell even if he did half of third of what he's doing) and he just looked down and said: It's not about studying. I am glad I have an everyday routine, in fact. My oh my how I can relate. Routine is so ambivalent.
The first week was probably mainly "diagnostic" and the therapist is male and just 2 or 3 years out of medschool; M. and mum seem to like him, so I have a good feeling (although all I know about him is that he has long hair and he is into tai-chi). More to come.

The end of school is also quite emotional.Today I've had my last regular lecture, now there are four more weeks full of tests and 1.6. the big feared Hammerexamen. To be honest, uni was one of those things that saved me/are saving me. It was one of the biggest and constant motivators, especially in the first four years before Berlin. It made me wake up and brush my hair and eat breakfast and exist. I've met best people, "my people" in med school and I hope I will stay in touch with them. On the other side, I am realizing so much how many professional and social opportunities I've turned down and how much things I haven't have learned during these six years because of my ED, how much better I could have done and how much time and energy I wasted during hours of useless exercise or during contemplating about what to eat or not to eat... it was basically six years of compromises between real life and ED.
I so don't want M. to go through something like that. I am average. I always was. But M. is special. Witty and intelligent and there is another and much more important path for him than tiring and destructive path of battling anorexia.
And I don't want me to choose my future in accordance with ED behaviors or fears. And I am kind of doing it:( But first finals, then decisions.



The video is lecture in biochemistry in my second year of medicine and the teacher is a LEGEND. He made me and many others spend lot of time in agonizing but amazing battle with Stewart-Fencel approach!:)
It's a shame that the chaotic situation in our health care system has influence on universities and wonderful people like Duška are forced to work in England in normal and standard conditions:/

Oh and bones and PCR and us being so young. And it's gone now- some of the people are already practicing medicine, some of them quitted the school and some of them are pregnant, everyone going their own path.



Ok. I need to stop the sentimental twaddle. Have a nice sunny weekend, mine will be dedicated to sick bone marrow, lymph nodes and joints in my books.

in these cold rainy exam days I desperately need...

1) one month between August and September (I know- too late)
2 ) 2800 kcal in jazz and hot milk
3) immortal highlight pen

(or being someone else)

Tomorrow Warning

Reading about Tomorrow syndrome in Cammy´s insightful blog is sad and so familiar. I decided to write my own TS-Warning list, for me and maybe for someone else in need. It´s nothing new, but sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest:

1) Tomorrow is harder and at some point impossible when we postpone recovery.
2) Tomorrow is easy and it´s bad to do what´s easy just cause it´s easy (here I definitely don´t want to say that easy things are bad!)
3) There may be no tomorrow - I know it sounds pathetic, but it is unfortunately right- not only for us- for our grandparents, pets or deams.
4) No dream begins tomorrow. It is always Today what counts.
5) We can trick and blameour mind with Tomorrow, but our body doesn´t get these tomorrow-I-will-eat-promises. It has memory, but there is no anticipation for "better times". Hopeless body = hopeles mind... welcome vicious cycle.


I am this kind of busy (unproductively trying to arrange all exams and stuff:(, being to drained to study after whole day standing in gyn-surgery => panicking that I won´t make it = being so damned tempted to selfmedicate myself with ED behaviour...
But no, NO. NO please.

nervous summer

It is childish, but: Why am I feeling nervous/HUUUUGE when my dad doesn´t control my eating doesn´t give me chocolate all the time, my sister K is so much smaller than I am (we are very different body types, but still..) and my schedule is very exercising unfriendly :(

Better part of weekend: walking in forest with Grandma, picking blueberries and talking hematologic, "fighting" with my 9 years old cousin (because I asked him if he kissed Marianka in the summer camp), passing nuclear medicine exam, buying this book for special friend and receiving my grades from Berlin (done and done:) -- these parts of life between two ED thoughts are good!

And I´ve changed my layout- hope you like it - the image is part of little literature-neuropsychology-adventure in which I am involved.

Gyn/ob rotation, you´re not my favourite, but here I come...

Unexpected challenges

I am in LOVE with grad school. I am so excited!

This week is just orientation week, but I've seen two of three campuses and WOW. After welcome session I made little tour de library today and I am somewhere between fascination and anxiety attack- I want to read, remember, connect, know- and than- what if I fail, what if I will be rejected, what if I will get lost in this research jungle? But generally I am really looking forward to both clinical and gradschool thing.

There is one BUT after looking forwad. Compared to my previous studying, this will take much more time. I mean much more time out of home. Out of my habits, exercise, little (but still significant) compulsions. There will be weeks on which I need to be from 8 in the morning to 8 in the evening in one of the campuses. There will be less busy weeks, but generally, my "plan" to be in school afternoons and have mornings for myself (=exercise) doesn't work. Docents and Profs are expecting us to be on conferences, to teach our little groups (in the first semester it is voluntary, but I want to do it). My CBT-T wants me to be social and adventurous. My nutritionist wants me to eat, eat, eat. My anorexia wants me to restrict and convince me, that on days without exercise I am big fat nothing. And I don't know what do I want.