How long has it been since my last post? 3 months, 3 days, 3 lives? Or this one forever repeating life of someone, who can adapt at new city or new language quiteok-ish, but who hasn't learned to adapt at herself.
Right now I feel so incredibly stupid and out and not-belonging to my research group. Another level of my stupidity is that I can't make myself to communicate properly with my labmates (who are all nice and mild and kind educated people and I actually like them, but I feel some kind of barrier, wall of social and intellectual inadequacy between them and myself. It is a vicious cycle, because the less I trust myself to speak to them the more isolated and stupid I feel and then it is harder to speak and not hide.) Yesterday there was a meeting where I was literally one lacrimal-canaliculi-milimeter from crying.
I guess it is not hard to guess where I am trying to find a source of alternative adequacy. After almost 12 years of anorexia/various stages of recovery I feel like food, exercise and body field is only field where I can project my feelings, anxieties and frustrations. And the fact I KNOW that spending late evening hours exercising won't make my socializing and communication skills better and won't make my academic performance better and won't make the overall quality of my life better (experience, someone?) surprisingly doesn't stop me. I am so fed up of this pattern. I don't know who I'd be without this pattern. I don't know if I'd be able to survive without it. I don't know how long I can live like this. (And how long my professor will tolerate my lack of communication skills in our group. He is this american supercommunicator and I have a feeling he is not very fond of my semi-autistic features:/).
I kind of nostalgically remember the time when I didn't know. When I was so sick that I completely lacked some insight and actually believed that if the number on the scale is (the day before - x) and the amount of exercise is (the day before + x) I am safe and all will be well. But now I KNOW now that this is not a solution and this knowledge hurts. I am so confused. What kind of life I really want? How honest I really am with myself. I am eating and I know I need this f*ing 56 kilos to function but I am so tired of constantly reminding myself of it and constantly eating in same rigid pattern (there are so much social things including some dinners in the late November/December and I am beginning to feel really overwhelmed with it. It is not I can't go there and eat the stupid meal, it is I can't go there, JUST eat and speak and concentrate on the real reason of the meal- meeting people, enjoying conversation, learn something new, share, reach out, remember).
Ok end of rant. There are positive things going on like the city itself and my first own appartment and some parts of my work I really enjoy (usually when I don't need to speak:/) and the landscape around my city and being little bit more independent than at home and that at home everything goes quite well and mum and M. are really brave (sometimes not at the same times, but still it works) and hopefully I will write another/more optimistic post with some pitctures soon. Now I just needed to get this out.
If someone is still reading, I hope you people have a nice colorful fall (the colors are slowly fading away here, but it was SO beautiful that I wanted to become a tree very often) with lot of adventures and steps forward.
Dearest ola,
ReplyDeleteI am reading. Fall is officially over here. It snowed yesterday. Nothing that would stay and become part of a pile of the snow to come, but it sent my mind swirling into the "how to stop this cold from coming" realm.
You dear; are definitely struggling and I hope that you are able to realize that there are going to be these times when you fall. When you feel that you are failing. It sounds like to me there is a lot of pressure you feel. And in this pressure you are judging yourself harshly.
The eating disorder is, from what you've shared, something you do not truly want, it is simply something you know very well. And it is easier to go to what we know than to be able to suddenly adapt to situations that have brought and continue to bring discomfort eating disorder or not.
I hope that you will continue to reach out to those with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings with. Even if it all feels too much; just a little here and there can bring a degree of relief (hope if you will).
I'm glad you enjoyed the beauty of Fall and can see the strides you've taken; the growth you have had and are having and will allow yourself the grace to be, no matter where you are at.
You deserve that.
Wish I could say more or do something to ease the conflict. One moment at a time is what I need to do for myself right now. Even if I want more, accepting where I am at, helps it not feel as MASSIVE. Maybe give yourself the patience to get to that destination yet unknown, but simply wanted. It will become clearer. I believe this.
Be well.
With light,
n
Thank you for your kind words, n!
ReplyDeleteWe probably can't stop winter with its cold from coming (it wouldn't be very wise), but we can treat our bodies in the way they are ready for the cold. Inner and outer cold is far worse than pain. It freezes brain. Emotions. Tenderness. So let's not let this cold in. Thanks again and have a good week, n.
Hey Ola,
ReplyDeleteyay, finally a post from you!
I'm really sorry that you are struggling... But I am glad that you decided to share what's been going on.
I think I was (and still am to some extent) in a similar situation to yours - in terms of the communication with my colleagues. I used to never talk to anyone unless I absolutely have to or someone was kind enough to draw me into a conversation by switching the topic to cycling or something similar.
I also felt (and still often feel) very stupid for reasons that you probably read about on my blog. And if my colleague hasn't started helping me with being more social and with giving me some work-related advice and perspective, I think I'd be still thinking that I'm completely stupid and an outsider at work and it would never change because it was too late and I didn't want to reveal my stupidity and ignorance. So, I think I was very lucky to have found a person that was willing to help me overcome some of this (mostly mental) barrier that I have had.
Hmm, I hope this does not sound like a lecture or claiming that you need to be lucky to get out of this situation. I'm ABSOLUTELY positive that you are very smart and hard-working, so don't even think that that may be a barrier between you and your co-workers. For me though (at least right now) it's easier to relate to people with a not work-related - like cycling, running, swimming, pets, traveling. Maybe you can find something similar with at least one of your colleagues? (But I admit that a big part of why I feel very comfortable with this one colleague of mine who has helped me a lot with the ED stuff as well is that I told him about my struggles because he (at first partially) told me about his struggles (not ED). It was definitely a big risk (or just scary thing?) to tell him but I don't think that without it he would get the courage to encourage me to be more social (at least with his friends at work) because he'd still be thinking that I'm this very self-sufficient super-human :-))
Anyway, sorry for the ramble... I wish making new friends (or at least socializing) was easier. I know this may not be an easy task, but if some of your colleagues go to lunch, walk or do some other activity together, could you possibly join them? It may help break some of those barriers that you feel.
Well, I hope things get a bit better in the near future. I'm looking forward to reading anything that you'll write, so don't hesitate to express what's on your mind and heart!
Have a nice week!
(((HUGS)))
I agree with Zuzka in reaching out in ways that you can. Though it may be difficult and challenging to extend beyond that "comfort zone" you have/know - having others that you can relate to/with is a step in a way that might help you feel that less alone. As well; it will give you something to focus on and towards.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree about that "inner freeze". But I am sure you know you can find a way to eventually break through that.
Do be well and KIND to yourself.
With light (always).
Really sorry to hear that you're having a hard time....feeling socially cut off and unable to connect is very difficult. But remember that the benefits WAY outweigh the risks when you reach out. I'm sure that it would be a privilege for your co-workers to get to know you, and that you can meet and exceed their intellectual levels any day of the week.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking about you, hang in there and treat yourself kindly please.