equinox

Despite the balance in the title I don't feel well balanced now.
I am not doing well and boy have I tried and tried and tried.
It' s spring break, I am home and the lack of school stress and independency is killing me.
I've been crying myself into sleep for three nights in a row.
My weight is way higher than last spring, but I am fighting every day with the voices that are telling me that my life is crap, my social life is z.e.r.o., my existence is useless and I don't deserve or need to eat, to have this heavy useless body. I am fighting it, but it seems that in last weeks I am not able to do anything else. I passed all my exams plus I quite enjoy the research I am doing, but it seems like I have no desire, no drive, no energy. I am avoiding every social event, because I feel fat, stupid and like someone extremely unenjoyful to be around. In fact I am dreading to live with my flatmates after few weeks at home.
One of my sisters is driving me crazy, she has her dieting - sorry: cleaning - days and she has no patience with my tears and fears and the fact I am 2 years older, but thanks to my ED it feels like I am 5 years younger than her. She is so strong, independent, little selfish, very ambitious and I know she loves me so much, but I think with her personality she doesn't understand the pathological way of thinking in someone with anorexia. She has had her own eating issues - I am sure finding her balance and her place in the faculty (she studies now history and political science which is in this country very masculine field) was not easy, but she is getting there and I am so happy.
But I still want to fight it. I just don't know how. The thing is I can't afford to pay an intensive therapy (and I don't want my parrents money) and I can't afford relapse now after all that money and energy I put into recovery last summer/fall. I survived Christmas somehow, I was so focused on doing better, January weeks of exams were also kind of succesful, but now I feel this vacuum and my "safe" coping mechanisms are comming. In fact they are here now for weeks. I am telling myself that as soon as I will be in the school, things will be better, but I know it is not so easy.
I am drained and see not much future. And still I wish so many things! To learn, discover, try, help, say, write, love. I just now can't see myself to do it, days are quite painful.

I am sorry for this post, although this blog has virtually no readers. It is neither insightul nor somehow original. This is my reality. Or ED's reality? I will fight, I have to. Facts:
1. I need to eat properly. It is basis. Finding another "solutions" and "underlying" problems is Ed's strategy. Food first. I need energy to solve another problems.
2. Although I need to eat, food is not something miraculous. It doesn't need to be "pure" or bio or vegetarian/vegan/super nutitious/"best". It is just food, it will be broken down to the same ATP. Just eat.
3. My family is not here to support you all the time and cure you. I should be incredibly happy they are still believing I can recover after all those years. I have to accept the fact my mother and my sister K are not supporting and understanding me like I wish they did. In fact it feels like they don't understand at all. But they love me, I know. And I love them so much.
4. Psychotherapy is not working miraculously. I have to work and work and work.

And with number four in my head I am going to bed, need some rest in this one hour shorter night. Good night!